Today, I saw my goal. It is a lofty goal, but a goal. There was an advertisement in Cooking Light for salad, and in that ad was a picture of a woman in this extravagant yoga pose, standing on her head, perfectly balanced, with her legs in this open position. I could just see her arm muscles, perfectly sculpted, doing their part to support the pose. Her abdomen was flexed, helping hold her hips and legs into the air. And then her legs were in a perfect shape.
And I didn't see weight loss. I didn't see a flat stomach. I didn't see skinny.
What I saw: balance. strength. love of oneself. health.
And these are all things that I want more in my life. These are words I want to use to describe myself. But right now I don't think I can use those words.
Two years ago, I was the healthiest I have ever been. I was eating right, and still enjoying my food. I also worked out for at least 90 minutes three or four times a week. And I felt my body be strong. I weighed 190 lbs, and I felt great. I had just lost almost 40 pounds, and had discovered how healthy my mind was because my body was in sync.
I was balanced. I was strong. I loved myself. I was healthy.
And today, I have gained back all that weight, quit exercising, and I had a ham and cheese egg sanwhich with cheesy tots for breakfast. This week, through all of my money stress, I took it out on food. I ate a third of an almond raspberry pound cake in less than 24 hours. I ate lunch twice one day this week.
I have also started weight watchers three times since I gained it all back, each time paying the start-up cost and then paying $10 a week. And each time, I failed and gained back the little I lost and then some.
And now my fat pants are not fitting.
My dreams have also been letting me know that it is time to do something to turn stuff around. I keep having dreams featuring people in my life who are "stable" in ways that I am not. Sometimes these figures are financially stable, sometimes emotionally stable. But whoever they are, they always help me in my dreams. Maybe I am all those stable figures in my dreams...telling myself that it is time to get my shit together.
Maybe I am gearing up for slimming down. Maybe.
